


Hip-Whip Boys

by Evagay



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, First part was written b4 ep 10, Humor, I know, Keijo!!!!!!! AU, M/M, Phichit is satan, Their butts are too hard to resist, a very cute satan, hella OOC because I just wanted to get to the "meat" of the fic when writing this ;D, so character relationships are not really accurate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8805298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evagay/pseuds/Evagay
Summary: The three GPF medalists decide to have a death battle to see who has the best butt of them all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> What kind of drugs was I on when I thought of this

Yuuri is looking for Victor when he sees his coach, Christophe Giacometti and Jean-Jacques Leroy arguing about something.

 

“My soft and grabbable butt is the only butt that can make people come…” Chris licks his lips seductively.

 

“Oh  _ really _ ?” Victor smirks.

 

“A butt isn’t a proper butt without MUSCLES, Giacometti.” JJ argues.

 

“Too bad your tramp stamp completely ruins the smoothness and cleanliness of a butt.” Victor retorts.

 

“Uhhh Victor? What are you doing?” Yuuri shuffles up to them awkwardly.

 

“OH YUURIIIII!” Victor wraps an arm around Yuuri’s shoulders, “We were just comparing our bottoms. Yuuri, tell them who has the most beautiful and tastiest butt of them all.” 

 

“No Victor.” The Japanese skater deadpans. Victor pouts. “Yuuriiiii…”

 

“Of course, the most beautiful butt has to belong to THE KING, which is me, JJ!” JJ announces loudly, spreading his arms wide.

 

“What. The. Actual. Fuck.” Yuri Plisetsky overhears the conversation while walking past.

 

“Oh Yuri-chan…” JJ grins at Yuri, “Out of the three of us, who has the best butt?” 

 

“Definitely not you!” Yuri snaps back at JJ. He turns to Yuuri, who is still being squeezed by Victor.

 

“Oi Katsudon! Are you part of this dumb shit as well?!”

 

“Eh? Nonononono! It’s not like that!” Yuuri waves his arms around frantically.

 

Chris smiles at the two Yuris. “How about we have these two judge which butt is better?”

 

“Seems like a good idea.” JJ agrees.

 

“I’m sure Yuuri secretly thinks that mine is the best!” Victor’s mouth turns into the shape of a heart.

 

“No thank you.” Yuuri slips away from Victor’s grasp to stand beside Yuri.

 

“HUH? I NEVER AGREED TO BE APART OF THIS! HOW ARE WE GOING TO JUDGE ANYWAYS? I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOUR ASSES!” Yuri yells.

 

“I have an idea!”

 

The group turn around to see Phichit Chulanont holding up his phone.

 

“Oh no, Phichit-kun, what are you up to now?” Yuuri sighs.

 

“There’s a trending sport right now called Keijo. Basically you wear swimsuits and fight on a floating stage with your butts and chest and try to knock others off the land.” Phichit smirks evilly. “I was thinking that you three could duke it out in a Keijo arena.”

 

“Sounds fun! I’m in.” Victor gave Phichit a thumbs up.

 

“Victor!” Yuuri sighs at his coach.

 

“I’m gonna prove that I’m the king. So I’m in as well.” JJ smirks.

 

“It does sound fun, so why not?” Chris smiles not-so-innocently.

 

“Great!” Phichit nods at the three competitors. “Yuuri, Yurio and I will be the judges then.”

 

“Oh GREAT.” Yuri rolls his eyes.

 

Yuuri sighs again. He’d like a nice large bowl of katsudon after all of this is over.

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Yuuri! How do I look?” Victor steps out into the arena. He is wearing black swim briefs barely covering his crotch and his butt.

 

Yuuri deadpans.

 

“Oh Victor…” A moan sounds from the entrance to the arena. It was Chris. “You look very sexy.” 

 

Chris’ briefs are even more revealing.

 

“Wow it feels so hot in here suddenly.” Phichit, standing beside Yuuri, fans himself and snaps a few pictures of both contestants.

 

Chris turns around so his butt is facing the camera. 

 

Phichit snaps more pictures.

 

“Phichit, can I play Keijo naked?”

 

“I’m sorry, but no.” Phichit stick his tongue out.

 

Another pair of footsteps told the judges that the final contestant is arriving at the arena.

 

“IT’S JJ STYLE!” 

 

Yuri makes a disgusted snort.

 

“Make your way to the Land please!” Phichit waves his arm in the direction of the Land. The three contestants walk across the bridge to the middle of the water.

 

“Okay, now please turn around so I can take a picture of your beautiful bottoms.” Phichit winks.

 

Victor, Chris and JJ complied, turning their heads around to wink at the camera in unison.

 

“Wooooooow.” Phichit looks overjoyed to have such material stored in his phone.

 

Yuuri blushes. “I think I’m pregnant now.”

 

Yuri makes gagging and choking noises.

 

Phichit clears his throat and speaks loudly. “Okay please position yourselves. We will be starting in 10... 9...

 

All three of them move to the far edges of the Land.

 

“8…

 

JJ flexes his tattooed biceps.

 

“7…

“6…

 

Chris gropes his bottom lightly with his palms.

 

“5…

“4…

 

Victor shakes his bangs out of his face.

 

“3…

“2…

“1…

 

“GO!” Phichit plays an mp3 file of a gunshot sound from his phone.

 

“The King must strike first to win!” JJ leaps up, spinning his hips, attempting to knock Victor off .

 

Victor quickly crouches down as JJ’s butt whips above him. “That was close.” He whistles.

 

“Oooh nice!” Phichit commentated. “Contestant Jean-Jacques Leroy attempts to knock out the 5 consecutive Grand Prix Final Medalist into the water, but is unsuccessful.”

 

Chris swipes his butt at JJ the moment the other contestant’s feet arrive back on the Land. “Whoa!” JJ twists his body to dodge the attack, but stumbles on the edge of the Land.

 

“Here’s my chance.” Chris smirks. He leaps up to strike again.

 

“GET HIM!” Yuri yells loudly without realising what he just said. 

 

Yuuri and Phichit just stare at him.

 

A second later, Yuuri chuckles.

 

Yuri buries his face in his hands in embarrassment.

 

As Chris was flying in, JJ quickly regains his balance and rolls off into another direction. Chris lands right on the edge of the land.

 

JJ whips his head in the direction of the viewing platform and smirks. “I won’t be defeated so easily, Yuri-chan. How about you cheer for me too?”

 

Yuri’s face is still covered with his hands.

 

“Well, time for the King to make a comeback.”

 

JJ’s muscles tense up and light starts emitting from his bottom.

 

“Wowow! Look what this is.” Victor seems content with a new challenge.

 

“Dad, Mom, my dear, thank you for supporting me all this time.” JJ whispers to himself. “I will win against Victor, I will win against Chris, I will win against the whole world with you love…”

 

“WHY IS THERE FUCKING LIGHT COMING OUT FROM HIS ASS?!” Yuri’s eyes pop out.

 

“What kind of power is that?” Yuuri squints at the light, his eyebrows furrowing. 

 

“WOW!” Phichit barely holds his ‘professional commentator’ voice. “Contestant Jean-Jacques Leroy unlocks his special ability!”

 

“...I WILL BE THE KING FOR ALL OF YOUR LOVE!” JJ booms. He twists high into the air as if he was to perform a quad. Sticking his butt out, he falls back down bottom first, the light emitting from his butt glowing brighter and brighter.

 

Chris and Victor can only gape at the sight of the ‘King’.

 

“Awesome!” Victor exclaims.

 

JJ angles his butt at Victor as he falls down. “I WILL DEFEAT YOU AS THE KING!”

 

“I’m definitely up for this challenge!” Victor sticks his butt up into the air.

 

JJ grits his teeth and prepares for the collision. “KING…BUTT METEOR!” His butt erupts into vibrant red flames.

 

Victor pushes himself the Land to intercept the attack.

 

Their bottoms crash together. Light and flames burst between both butts.

 

“JEAN-JACQUES LEROY FINALLY USES HIS SPECIAL ABILITY: THE KING BUTT METEOR! HOWEVER, VICTOR NIKIFOROV IS HOLDING HIM OFF QUITE WELL! HOW WILL THIS BATTLE END?” Phichit yells excitedly.

 

“I expected no less from a five-consecutive Grand Prix champion, Victor. But YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” JJ says smugly.

 

“Hehehehehehehehe.” Victor focuses all his energy on his legs and his bottom to push back at JJ.

 

“Oh no! Victor might not last with such a powerful attack from JJ...“ Yuuri says worriedly. “HANG IN THERE!” He shouts to Victor.

 

“Ooooooh Yuuuuuri.” Phichit wiggles his eyebrows and makes a ‘Lenny Face’ at his best friend.

 

“Stop it! What are you implying Phichit-kun!”

 

“I’m sorry, but time is up for you. Yuuri is calling for me.” Victor licks his lips. He thrust his bottom to the side, pushing JJ, who is still in the air, into the side as well. 

 

JJ and Victor both land squarely on the edges of the Land.

 

“Thank you Yuuri!” Victor blows a kiss at Yuuri. Yuuri smiles happily back at Victor.

 

“You two are so disgusting.” Yuri mutters.

 

Phichit doesn’t comment this time, however he narrows his eyes and smirks, knowing that he’s caught all of that on camera.

 

“Very interesting.” Chris laughs. “It’s my turn now.”

 

Chris raises one leg high in the air and runs his hands up and down his curves. He moans seductively. 

 

“Contestant Christophe Giacometti uses his famous seduction ability.” Phichit says in his ‘professional voice’.

 

Yuuri covers Yuri’s eyes with his hands. “15 year olds shouldn’t see this.”

 

“GET OFF! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD WHAT THE FUCK! YOU LITERALLY STRIPPED AND POLE DANCED IN FRONT OF ME A YEAR AGO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT!”

 

Yuuri shivers and lets go of Yuri as the pictures from the GPF banquet flash into his mind.

 

Chris feels every part of his body with his hands, oozing all of the mature eros from his body.

 

Yuri frowns. “Oi is that thing I see his-

 

“ _ The Dance of Mature Eros. _ ” Chris half-whispers with his silky smooth voice. Unlike JJ, the attack was not called out loudly.

 

“Here it is! We can finally see Christophe Giacometti’s ultimate attack, ‘The Dance of Mature Eros!’” Phichit tries to remain calm while commentating.

 

Chris spins around like a tornado, picking up water droplets as he spreads his legs out. His butt emits a soft red glow.

 

“Isn’t he basically using his moves from the banquet party where he pole danced with Katsudon?” Yuri points out.

 

“I can’t believe I pole-danced with Chris…” Yuuri makes a face.

 

Chris whizzes around the Land spinning like a tornado. JJ and Victor hop out of the way to avoid being attacked.

 

Chris spins towards Victor and strikes swiftly.

 

Phichit gasps dramatically. “Christophe Giacometti violently attacks Victor Nikiforov with a range of swift strikes! Will Victor be able to dodge them?” 

 

Victor moves his body to dodge, occasionally lifting his butt to deflect attacks. But Chris’ speed was ultimately greater than his.

 

One of Chris’ strikes hit Victor in the face.

 

“Eat my beautiful ass.” Chris pushes his butt further.

 

Yuri looks at the Japanese skater to see his reaction.

 

Yuuri is simply all frozen up, unmoving.

 

“Oi Katsudon? Katsudon?!” Yuri kicks him.

 

“He must be too shocked by that.” Phichit waves his hand in front of Yuuri’s face. “And maybe a bit jealous as well.” He chuckles.

 

One strike propels Victor to the very edge of the Land. He almost falls into the water but regains his balance easily.

 

“Wow, having your butt to my face doesn’t feel good at all.” Victor huffs.

 

“Hey Victor. Your face feels good on my butt.” Chris moans, still panting from his attack. “Oh...I’m coming.”

 

Victor wrinkles his nose.

 

Yuuri’s face is ghastly white.

 

“Ahh...ah it’s your turn now Victor. To attack.” Chris pants.

 

“Victor, I’m interested to see what ability you have,” JJ taunts, “Or are you so afraid of me that you can’t activate it?”

 

“Well, I’m coming now.” Victor smirks and dashes forward.

 

* * *

 

 

 

**_Later that night…_ **

 

**_[New messages in: SNS Sk8ter cuties]_ **

 

**Phichit:** lets have a bet on who won. loser has to do as i say ;) 

 

**Guang-Hong:** hmm

 

**Guang-Hong:** i bet victor won. Cuz victor.

 

**Leo:** maybe chris won. Im rooting for him too

 

**Phichit:** hahaha. NO. u 2 both lost the bet.

 

**Leo:** so does that mean jj won?

 

**Phichit:** nah.

 

**Phichit:** YUURI WON IN THE END

 

**Guang-Hong:** ?????? ???

 

**Phichit:** THEY REFUSED TO FINISH THE MATCH IN THE END BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO SEE YUURI PLAY IT BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE BANQUET

 

**Phichit:** I GOT ALL DA JUICY VIDEOS AND PHOTOS

 

**Phichit:** _**[Image: thesexiest]**_

 

**Phichit:** MY INSTA FOLLOWERS WENT UP BY SO MUCH

 

**Leo:** ……

 

**Guang-Hong:** …….

 

**Guang-Hong:** …….no way. that’s not allowed.

 

**Phichit:** U BOTH LOST THE BET

 

**Leo:** Phichit no.

 

**Phichit:** PHICHIT YES

 

**Phichit:** U 2 HAVE TO GO ON A DATE TOGETHER

 

**Phichit:** HAVE FUN

 

**Phichit:** ILL BE WATCHING ;)

  
  
**_~The End~_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
